


Sex Or Something Like It

by GretchenSinister



Category: Rise of the Guardians (2012)
Genre: M/M, no sex but they are having a frank discussion of HOW to have sex with only vaguely human bodies, potential winternights ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-21
Updated: 2019-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:41:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21882061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GretchenSinister/pseuds/GretchenSinister
Summary: Original Prompt: "Often it’s portrayed as creeper Pitch and naive Jack. I’d love to see a story/drabble where NEITHER of them knows what the hell they’re doing. Basically Jack knows of sex but has never done it, and Pitch can’t remember being human so he…forgot.Bonus: They each come across as though they’re so experienced, then when they get down to the actual deed things come to a grinding (and awkward) halt."Pitch did not bring something that Jack assumed was required to their sexual encounter, and Jack is very confused as to how he thought they were going to proceed. An explanation is possible, but it tends towards winternights.
Relationships: Jack Frost/Pitch Black
Kudos: 30
Collections: Blackice Short Fics





	Sex Or Something Like It

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on Tumblr on 1/30/2016.

“Um. Pitch, I think…um, that is to say, one’s not necessary, and I guess I should have been clearer about what I expected, but…” Jack knows he isn’t making any sense. Jack knows he’s going to have to be clearer about what he means, right away, and that’s just going to make everything even more awkward. And that sucks, because he had just started to really get the hang of kissing Pitch.  
  
But he doesn’t want that to be the only thing they do, and so he’d worked on undressing Pitch, and Pitch had helped, and now…well, the thing was, Jack had expected Pitch to have a cock. It was an assumption based on many other assumptions, true! But, to speak more broadly, Jack had expected Pitch to have genitals, given that he had agreed to have sex with Jack. But he…well…didn’t. This raised a lot of questions. A whole lot. But Jack would be content just to know what Pitch expected him to do, and what Pitch planned to do with him.  
  
Pitch had seemed so knowledgeable, so wouldn’t he have known Jack would have been kind of thrown off by this?  
  
Pitch looks down at Jack, and with a thoughtful expression, undoes his pants. Jack doesn’t stop him, it’s the logical next step, though with all his confusion he’s not as hard as he was a minute or two ago. “Ah,” he says. “You were expecting us to proceed as humans would.”  
  
That’s kind of a terrifying thing to hear with one’s pants down, and Pitch closes his eyes and shivers a little. And Jack likes seeing that reaction, but the context…oh, the context just isn’t what he thought it was going to be.  
  
“You’ve put a lot of detail into this, and I appreciate that,” Pitch says, lightly drawing his fingers along Jack’s cock. “But I’m not sure if…”  
  
“Pitch, if you want me to pay attention you’re going to have to not touch me like that,” Jack says quickly, before he decides he might as well enjoy what’s going on without actually knowing what’s going on.  
  
“Ah, naturally.” Pitch withdraws his hand, but he doesn’t stop looking at Jack’s body. “For someone who was alone for such a relatively large portion of his existence, you certainly have maintained a magnificent amount of detail, as I was saying.”  
  
“What does that mean?” Jack asks, staring determinedly back at Pitch’s face. “This is my body! I haven’t had to maintain it at all! I don’t even need to eat or sleep!”  
  
This brings Pitch’s eyes up. “You mean…you’ve never suffered any dissolution? I suppose you might call it dying.”  
  
“No, no I haven’t, not except for the first time. Have you? Died? And what does this have to do with, um, bedroom activities?” This is one of the least sexy conversations Jack can imagine having right now.  
  
“Many times,” Pitch says, as if this should be totally expected. “The more often you do so, the quicker you’re able to put yourself back together. I suppose I’ll have to be very careful with you, then. It could take years for you to reform. Anyway, when you do, you tend to stick with a basic form that reflects your temperament. The more detail you choose to add, the more time it takes to return.”  
  
Jack sits up on the bed and considers Pitch’s form. His very long, very lean, hairless, nipple-less, and genital-less form. He doesn’t have a navel. His ear holes don’t go anywhere. And he’s not the only one Jack knows with that last trait. “So…just as an example,” he says, “does this mean that Sandy only bothers with a mouth to drink eggnog? Since he doesn’t talk?”  
  
Pitch snorts. “Clearly he hasn’t tried to kiss you yet. I’d say that was because he knows about us—and he does, Jack, and I know you’ve been trying to keep it a secret, and I appreciate the effort, but—anyway—he’s never been stopped by anything like that before.”  
  
“Well, now I’m kind of insulted,” Jack says. “But more confused, really. More than before, actually. Everything else aside. You invited me here to have sex, and I was into that plan, but now I don’t understand what…what you actually planned to do. For us to do. If you didn’t intend for us to do it like humans—and I was counting on you to have a clue there, because I really don’t—then what…”  
  
Pitch looks thoughtful. “I suppose…” he begins, and runs his hand along Jack’s shoulder. “There’s a good chance I would remember, given the context, and it would only take hours…”  
  
“I’m _not_ killing you on the off-chance you’ll remember a dick when you come back,” Jack says. “Tell me what you originally wanted to do.”  
  
“It’s hard to explain, and the fact that you haven’t died even once makes it even more difficult,” Pitch says. “I don’t know if you’d be able to tell what you were doing. And if you aren’t, then…” He makes a face. “There’s a good chance that it would hurt a great deal. In worse ways than going on as clueless humans would.”  
  
“Can you at least _start_ to try to explain?”  
  
Pitch tilts his head. “Perhaps I should just suck you off and we can both agree to forget all about this.”  
  
“Yeah, okay.” Jack rolls his eyes. “There’s a certain amount of appeal in that, but a) this issue is going to come up again, and b) I still want you to enjoy yourself. I mean, you’ve been alone, and…”  
  
Pitch smiles a little. “Well. I still doubt that this is going to make much sense to you. I know you understand your center, at least somewhat, and I know you know _of_ mine, but…you probably still think your body is solid, don’t you?”  
  
Jack frowns deeply and rubs his temples. “That’s an incredibly worrying thing to say! I’m starting to feel like I should just put my clothes back on. No—wait! I have an idea. Do you ever masturbate? Maybe I could watch you, and then I’d have a better idea of what to do.”  
  
“It’s not a sexual act that easily translates to masturbation,” Pitch says, looking thoughtful. “Though I have been told many times that an image is worth any number of words…” He shakes his head. “Specifically, if I am the one talking. Maybe that was accurate instead of just rude. Hm. Well, Jack, it _is_ possible that I could show you a demonstration, depending on…”  
  
“Depending on what?”  
  
“How sincerely I can manage to apologize for murder and how possessive you are. And how possessive I am, in all honesty. Because it would be just rude if you were there but completely off-limits…”  
  
Jack stares at Pitch incredulously, and when Pitch doesn’t react—perhaps too preoccupied with logistics?—makes a series of faces that seem to indicate that he’s having some sort of intense argument with himself.  
  
“…but then, if I really am sincere, doesn’t that just make me more vulnerable in the future?” Pitch is muttering to himself when Jack interrupts.  
  
“Okay!” he says. “I do not know how I feel about this, except for _curious_. So I’m not going to let this go, and I’m willing to not be possessive in this particular situation. I think. But I also think there’s a good chance that your first attempt at this plan might just result in you getting your ass kicked.”  
  
“Oh, certainly,” Pitch says with a smile. “On average, that happens three times before any progress is made in this type of situation.”  
  
He looks happy. Just as happy as he is sometimes with Jack. Jack doesn’t know how to feel about this, either—except maybe regret that he hadn’t asked Pitch more questions when he had first approached him.  
  
And also still curious. Maybe dangerously so.

**Author's Note:**

> Tags and Comments from Tumblr:
> 
> #I'm 33 pages into the kinkmeme and I'll write blacksand into blackice if I fckin want to
> 
> nialoke reblogged this from kazechama and added:  
You know, out of context I got this sentence so totally wrong. I thought it meant: “The only reason I am not killing you right now is because you might come back from the dead and remember that I was a dick to you (and then attack me or whatever)”  
tags: this was a amusing though blackice i got curious
> 
> bbyeggroll reblogged this from miss-evening and added:  
Oh gosh xD
> 
> miss-evening reblogged this from gretchensinister and added:  
OH COME ON. Why did you have to stop there. Now I really want to know what exactly Pitch had in mind. <3   
#It sounds dangerous though. #Do they seriously need to kill each other in order to 'do it'?
> 
> emeraldembers reblogged this from gretchensinister and added:  
“I’m not killing you on the off-chance you’ll remember a dick when you come back”*slams laptop shut and screams loudly into a pillow because it’s the 31st of January and you have already written the benchmark line of dialogue to beat this year.  
XD  
(seriously though, this is hilarious. And a little sweet. And unsettling in such a very, very dear way)  
Tags: xenophilia aww yiss
> 
> kazechama reblogged this from gretchensinister and added:  
Reasons to read this ficlet: This sentence makes complete sense. “I’m not killing you on the off-chance you’ll remember a dick when you come back,”  
(also it’s hilarious)
> 
> kazechama answered: I am positively crying tears of joy <3 <3


End file.
